Toxic Men Are Like Magnets

After being sexually assaulted and sex trafficked as a teen it was hard to feel powerful in my body, I never expected selling nudes would lead me to my freedom.

Walking into a cowboy bar on my 35th birthday, I noticed him in his black t-shirt with the word SECURITY in neon green. After a year of celibacy and no interest in the performative nature of dating, I stumbled back into attraction. As my friends arrived, drinks started flowing and my reluctance turned into a want or need rather - to talk to him. My friend made the move for me and asked him for his number and that’s how my first try back in the dating game started.

We dated for a couple of weeks before his true nature started to slowly reveal itself. He’d get upset if I danced with the old men in the bar even after asking him if he was ok with it and he’d do this in front of my friends. Constant nudges from my gut told me to walk away but I stayed - hoping it would pass if he just understood the type of person I am. This hope was a pattern of mine and this situationship would show me where I needed to do some serious healing as more and more red flags came to the surface.

My drain was clogged in my kitchen and he offered to help me fix it. We drove to Home Depot and pulled into a parking spot. I unbuckled my seat belt and tossed my purse over my shoulder but before my hand hit the door handle to get out, he told me to wait in the car. I asked why and he said “because, you don’t need to go in” - I pushed back with “I’m going in, I need to get a pot for my plant” and he told me a second time to wait in the car. I pressed him - asking why he didn’t want me to go in and he said “You’re not wearing a fucking bra and everyone can see your tits. I don’t want to have to fight someone in Home Depot because your tits are out.” I took a deep breath and opened my door as I told him I wouldn’t be waiting in the car. Walking through the store felt tense and I started to feel ashamed and even embarrassed that i’d gone out like this. His energy - without saying a word thrust me into this dark place that I hadn’t been for some time. “Eyes to the floor” I kept telling myself - “Don’t make him think you’re looking anywhere else.”